In the Hugo Award winning novel Spin, by Robert Charles Wilson, Earth is encircled by a strange, alien bubble—a fact that is known by only three young kids. The bubble slows down time for whatever is on the inside, while on the outside time is passing by at a rapid pace. The novel follows each of the kids through their lives—knowing of earth's impending doom—and the different paths they take. I reflect upon this concurrently with my own life. My bubble has been on me since the age of 20, meanwhile the rest of the world has been spinning and moving forward. All of my friends are married, have good jobs and are content with life, while my life in the bubble has been frozen, a snapshot of what once was. It is fast approaching the time for me to come out of the bubble and I don't even know what is out there anymore. I truly don't know what my purpose is supposed to be or what I'm supposed to do. I just know that I must break free of this self-constructed prison and seek whatever it is that's out there.
To say that I fear exiting my bubble is an understatement—I dread it now more than ever. I would say it is a pure and utter darkness, a feeling that is all too familiar to me. To understand the darkness fully, you would have to have been there before. One could find it deep within the bowels of drug addiction. Let it be known that the life of a junkie could be best compared to that of a vampire—we fear the sun, only coming out to prey on the helpless and feed our unbridled hunger and lust—truly the Devil's work. Although the darkness I speak of is far worse than that I feel now, it is similar. Waking up one day to find that you are all alone in the world is scary. Women coming and going, all now just fleeting moments. Friends going to social events where you wouldn't "fit in". Just you and the darkness. Not to say that I don't have great friends, because I do. They are just at different places in their lives while I'm struggling to catch up. I've brought a lot of this upon myself—mind you—for my life inside the bubble has been one of selfishness and immaturity. I also understand that I am a strange sort, a fact that no doubt adds to my isolation. I can't change that or stop what I am. It is too late. Maybe I am doomed to face the world this way. If so, and even though I fear it, I accept the challenge. It makes for another fucking adventure if nothing else.
College life was great. Hell, for me, it lasted 10 long years. I've had many great experiences, too many to reflect on here. Some of them—admittedly—I've forgotten. I have no regrets about the ones I remember, each one of them contributing to the person I have become, as weird as he may be. I've met many great people and hope to someday cross paths with them again; this time, on the outside of the bubble with an understanding of the beauty that is life.
To the young people of my graduating class, I want to impart some words of wisdom—what little I may have and as cliché as they may be—to all of you that I have come to know: Love as much and as many times as possible, whether brief or long. Each relationship you have is for a reason. They help you grow and show you what is inside of you. If you can't love, then you can't be helped, my friends. When you do find the one person to be with you forever, love them as tenaciously as you can; without fear of rejection or reciprocated feelings. If they are that person, then you won't even have to worry about the latter part. They say you will just know. Make babies and be there every minute you can.
Work at a place that makes you happy. Don't trade happiness for padded pocket books. Have as many friends as possible and treat them with respect. Remember the good times, but work towards the future. Unless you believe in reincarnation, there is only one life. Don't let the world fly by you like I have. Live on the outside of the bubble and pass with the times. Live goddammit!
As for me, my demons--loneliness and fear--still haunt me. In any event, I will run from them at full speed with my eyes wide open, like I do everything else--towards an unknown angel, wherever she may be.
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