The Wedding of Dick Swisher and Other Relevant Adventures: Wine and Cheese, Crawfish and Beer

Wedding season is upon us and I have been fortunate enough to be a part of two this year. My sister exchanges vows this weekend in lovely Rogers, Arkansas, a town known for its staunch smell of formaldehyde and as home to a laundry list of young ladies I would never want to run into again. It should make for a good time though, with old friends coming in and hopefully some new ones to be made—if you catch my drift. There’s nothing as inspiring as the sight of a bridesmaid on one of her friends’ wedding day. They start to get a wanton sense of “love-at-first-sight-itis”. It makes for an interesting hunt and on this occasion, I will be fully armed. Bridesmaids are in season and I will try my best to get my limit.



Meanwhile, my long-time comrade—the incomparable Dick Swisher—is set to tie the knot this summer. The festivities kicked off this weekend, with a crawfish cookout and a wine and cheese party. There was no doubt that my loyalties would surely lie with the wine, as cheese sometimes makes for difficult morning hours in my case. We started a little early, as usual, with the first can being popped around noon-ish. The crawfish came and went, making for a sweet concoction on top of my trusty Bud Light. By the time the night party came—I had become a walking bottle of booze. I had a neatly groomed handlebar mustache and wore my jeans—a true man about town—if you will. The pictures, which will be added soon, will most definitely add to my folly. I am proud of his choice of companionship. She is a girl that I can hang out with, as well as one that no doubt puts up with Dick’s unruly Kaufmanesque mood swings. I fear she has no idea what she is getting herself into. It is going to be interesting, as Dick is no doubt a man set in his frightening ways.

I am in charge of the Bachelor party—a surefire mistake in my book—with all hell set to break loose real soon. A bachelor party, you see, is a place where a bizarre being like myself can show his true colors. It is a testament to the man that I am and I will probably always be. My first thought was to call the “ladies of the night” I met at a previous engagement similar to this one. She gave me her number probably with the insight that I was the most likely “John” in the room. Women are one of my most violent vices and I love them in all forms. I am an "Equal Opportunity Employer" and do not discriminate based on age, size, shape, and color. One will most certainly—in some form or fashion—be THE death of me. Not old age, smoking, drugs, drinking—which by the way are all cause and effect related to women. I digress. My first thought was this followed closely by the one that said, “None of these poor bastards are going to get involved in any form of debauchery that I set up.” Therefore, we will probably visit one of our fair neighboring cities, listen to some live music and walk as close to the edge of drunkenness as we can without going jumping completely off. I am very much looking forward to it.

Coming Soon: The Wedding of Dick Swisher and Other Relevant Adventures II: Bachelor Party